this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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