I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
