I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize