I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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