soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
