I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
