I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
