too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
