you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
