I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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