He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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