I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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