I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
