I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When are your genitals available?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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