I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
