My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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