Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
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