Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
