Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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