Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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