remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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