Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
