So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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