What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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