I'm jealous of your bromance
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
