I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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