I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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