Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
