the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
