Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
