Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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