don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
