If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
