I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
