I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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