STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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