At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize