Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
