If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
