wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
