just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
