the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
