My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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