Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
