Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
