I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
