Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
