I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead