If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button