You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.