did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
