Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.