We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan