I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
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So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far