i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
