FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is wine microwaveable?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
