Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
