Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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